I'm haven't felt like...

Writing much lately. I'm not crying as much and I'm starting to feel things other than saddness again. I got an email from a girl, Liz, I used to go to high school with. It was nice to hear from her again, and I plan on going out with her sometime but right now I still feel like hibernating...

Are blue skies an anesthetic for the soul?

My mother's oldest son and his son flew down from California last night. After all the visitors and sympathizers we've had over the past few days I just want to hide in my room. I just feel too tired now to talk to anyone even though I feel it would be impolite to say so. I miss my mother more but I can't cry anymore. I'm just too tired. This feels too much like some family reunion. We haven't even gotten her ashes home yet and I've been told too many times that it will get easier. I don't want it to get easier, I want to hurt, I want to miss her. If I don't then it's like she never mattered...
We took them to Lake Eola park downtown, they've never seen Orlando before. The closest thing California has to it is San Diego, and that still isn't like Orlando. It was hot and humid out so we didn't stay long. Just enough for a few pictures...

The day my mom died...

Today we went to the hospital to visit my mom. She didn't look right. Hooked up to all those machines, wires running from her body racing up the sides of her bed. Her tongue twitched inside her dry mouth and I willed myself to believe that it was her doing it and not the machines that supported her. I walked over to the sink and soaked a paper towel in water and dampened her lips and the inside of her mouth, it was so dry I could clearly see all the individual taste buds. I wiped imaginary tears from her eyes and I repeated the LORD's prayer and I reminded her how much I loved her, how much we all loved her. I told her I missed her too. I've prayed hard for the past three days waiting and begging for a miracle, for her to wake up so I could pray with her and say goodbye. I feel like the world will end soon, like there's no second act in this play.
My father told me that her body had already shut down, that there was no brain activity and that she is starting to decay. I see a revelation in my head, I see a lowly worm surrounded by dust. I remember verses in the Bible that refer to our pursuits in this life as "vanity". The big screen T.V. in the living room that she will never watch again.
I came home and intended to work tonight but my father and brother were called back to the hospital to sign paperwork. They're taking her off life support. I called work and blurted out that I couldn't go in before I chocked and Juliet had to finish the message. I called up the regional manager and she started crying with me because her own mother had only just passed away this past month and she was in mourning too. I go into the room with Juliet and I hold her but I lose control of my grief and I start screaming over and over again. I feel screams inside me. My blood feels like ice water, my heart feels frozen and heavy. Juliet holds onto me tight and cries with me. She comforts me more than any priest or preacher ever could. G*D blessed me with a wonderful daughter.
My eldest brother and nephew will be here this week. Fay my mother's best friend has been a blessing and provided us with the strength we needed at this time. Alain said he will take time off from work and drive down from Georgia. Pauline, the mother of Juliet's best friend Jordyn sent us a sympathy bouquet and hugged me. I don't know what to say to people anymore. I don't want to talk, I don't want to sleep. I'm grateful for the well wishers. Juliet, my brother Allan and I will be home with my father this week. Typing this is difficult, (I can still smell her, I want to believe this is all just a nightmare, it all happened too fast to be real), I'm careful not to go into too much detail or I will start crying and I will never stop...